The Part of Self-Care No One Talks About: Help

I have been thinking a lot about self care guilt.
The kind that sits heavy and whispers, you should be doing more.

It has been coming up again and again in the Honest Wellness Index.
Women saying things like:

"When I'm too busy or feeling burnt out and exhausted, I find it hard to motivate myself to take care of myself properly"

"I’m always bottom of the list so I don’t feel bad u til im frazzled and then im more angry than guilty"

"I don’t especially feel guilty but more annoyed that it’s so hard to find the time to look after myself "

It seems that this is quite a common feeling if not guilty but angry or annoyed. 

We talk about self care like it is a personal responsibility.
Like if we could just be more disciplined, or organised, or motivated, everything would click into place.
But what I am realising, and what so many women said out loud in the Index, is this:

Self care is not a one woman job.
It never has been.

Most of us are not lacking awareness.
We know what our bodies need.
We know what our minds need.
We know movement helps.
We know food can stabilise instead of spike.
We know ten minutes of quiet can transform a day.

It is not knowledge we are missing.
It is support.

Time.
Energy.
Breathing space.
SOMEONE ELSE picking up even one small thing so the whole day does not collapse. I've put that in caps as this is my big point...you can't do it alone.

But instead of naming that, we blame ourselves.
We feel guilty.
We tell ourselves we should be coping better.

Some of the comments from the Index almost broke me:

“I leave myself to last and by then I am too tired to even try.”
“My partner helps but he can switch off. I can’t. My brain never stops.”
“I hate that I know what I should do but I am too depleted to do it.”
“There is not enough time or money. I always come last.”

This is not a motivation problem.
It is a load problem.

And this time of year makes that load even heavier.
The organising.
The preparing.
The invisible jobs no one else sees.
The pressure to make everything feel magical while you quietly fall apart at the edges.

Self care is meant to take the pressure off.
Instead, somewhere along the way, it started adding more.

Buy this.
Do that.
Follow this routine.
You must complete these seventeen steps to feel well.

No wonder guilt is everywhere.

So maybe we need a different version of self care right now.
One that costs nothing.
One that lightens instead of adds.
One that acknowledges that women cannot do it all alone even though many of us are trying.

Maybe self care looks like:

Asking someone else to cook.
Even if they never do it exactly right.

Letting someone take a job off you.
Even if you could do it faster.

Saying no to the catch up you do not have the energy for.
Even if you feel a bit rude after.

Letting a job roll into next year.
Even if it feels unfinished.

Choosing the bare minimum.
Without judging yourself for it.

None of it is pretty.
None of it is Instagram worthy.
But neither is burnout.

The truth is, when someone steps in even for five minutes, something shifts.
Your shoulders drop.
Your brain stops buzzing.
Your body finds a bit of space to breathe.

You suddenly have the capacity to do one tiny thing that helps you feel more like yourself again.
Not because you tried harder but because you were not carrying everything alone.

Maybe the kindest thing we can do for ourselves at the end of this long, heavy, blurry year is simply to ask for help.
To share the load.
To not be the entire scaffolding for everyone else.

And maybe the real version of self care, the sustainable kind, the one that does not make us feel guilty, is this:

Letting someone else hold even a corner of your life for a moment.

One last tiny thing.
All of these conversations are feeding into the book I’m writing, Not Everything Is Urgent.
We now have a publishing month - June - which suddenly makes it all feel very real.

It’s a total labour of love.
And your stories, and everything you’ve shared are shaping it more than you know. So please share any thoughts you have to these weekly pieces with me here - kim.palmer@clementineapp.co.uk

Kim 💛